When I turned 34 years old, I was a nervous wreck. I pretended to be happy when I was really miserable. I pretended to smile when I really wanted to just cry. I pretended to enjoy being around others when I really just wanted to be alone. I have never been a very social person but never had I been as anti-social as I was after I had turned 34. Life just didn’t seem to have any meaning to me anymore. I had kids but they were mostly at their grandmother’s house or with their dad. My cup was running over with disappointments from people because I totally allowed others to depict my happiness. I allowed them to depict my mood for that particular day. I had cried so much until I couldn’t cry on the outside anymore; I cried on the inside. I was stuck with the haunting thought that “my life will never change.”
Last year (when I turned 35), God happened and I haven’t been the same. I had fallen down into a dark pit and couldn’t find a way out. It literally felt like God reached in, grabbed a hold to me and pulled me out into the light. It was like I had been walking over half of my life with my eyes closed and hearing only the things that I wanted to hear. God handed a new life over to me and said, “Here, take it. It’s yours.” I took it but I knew that in order to fulfill the steps in this new life, I had to keep my hand in God’s Hands. I knew I was going to go through some really harsh trials and I knew that old life and old ways were going to try and get me to come back. So far, I am still on the right road. Yes, there are days when I am tempted to go back but I can’t. In this new life, God told me that I had to love myself just as He loves me. I love myself too much to go back to that distasteful lifestyle.
Anger and assumptions badger me from time to time but God quickly gives me wisdom. People still disappoint me with hurt and lies but God doesn’t. I won’t go back. Plans don’t always work out at their best but God’s plans will in due time. I won’t go back. My heart gets heavy and I do have to cry sometimes but God wipes the tears away. I won’t go back. The blessings may seem small now but God has bigger blessings ahead. I won’t go back. With God leading, I have walked a mighty long way. I won’t go back.
Ephesians 4:22-24 (ESV) “To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. “